For those not in the know, the rumors are true, they’re giving away free erotic rub-downs at 69—um, gigity—of the US’s largest airports. Unluckily for me, traveling yesterday from Pennsylvania to Oregon via a small airport, where TSA’s new-and-improved “customer services” were not yet implemented, my fantasies of being felt-up by a uniformed guard with large hands remains unsatiated (i.e., no lovin’ for me).
I was so jealous making my way through Chicago O’Hare to my connecting flight. I saw a number of my fellow American being felt-up, groped and otherwise subjected to blatantly erotic, though mild, sexual favor. Even a lady who had to be at least 110 years old was getting in on the fun—so unfair. That’s right, as long as you depart from the right airport, anyone can get in on the action. Seriously. It doesn’t matter if you’ve gay, straight, both, or having survived some hellish bout of bladder cancer and are now forced to live-out your days with a urine-filled sack strapped to your waste. Whether you like it or not, they’re taking you, too!
As great as that sounds, you have to be careful and practice safe security. Some of these sessions, as arousing as they must be, can get a little rough. I mean some of these folks dishing out the lovin’ are novice domineers and dominatrices; one guy had his urine sack ripped and had to spend his trip soaked in his own urine. And as any self-respecting appreciator of extreme pornography knows, you’re suppose to get pissed on, not piss on yourself–that’s just gross. So let that be a lesson. If you need or like it gentle, don’t be afraid to let them know ahead of time. I’m sure they’ll accommodate every reasonable request…other than refusal of services, of course.
You must at this point be asking yourself “Self, how can we get in on the action?” Well, kids, sorry to say, not everyone is guaranteed a groping; there’s just not enough time for everyone. You have to first be one of the lucky customers selected for the new full-body radioactive scanning treatment that allows you and a friend to show off your junk to the attending—questionably back-grounded—TSA employee. If you are one of those lucky few, just tell them you’d rather take what’s behind door#2; unfortunately, you can’t do both. Soon you’ll be whisked away to a not-so-private session with your very own minimally trained professional ass-grabber and groin-fondler. As good as this all may sound, like with every great experience, there is, of course, a catch: no kissing, no cuddling, no whispers of sweet nothings in you ear and certainly no dinner and movie or second date after. In other words, don’t get attached.
You might now be asking yourself “Self, how is it that we Americans are so lucky and fortunate to have this type of service in our larger airports?” Well, it has been reported that these new practices are meant to prevent terrorism (apparently terrorist don’t like old-fashions, if you catch my meaning). This might be true, but I think there is an added intention less reported that is far more good-natured: the health benefits of anxiety relief.
You see, McIntosh and friends (2006) did a study looking into anxiety related episodes in regards to air travel. Apparently, people in general are very anxious about air travel. To reduce this anxiety, most people turn to drugs, alcohol and tobacco—a limited number use distraction and relaxation techniques. When I saw this, I realized the true reason for the love-ups in security: The government is taking the necessary steps to ease our anxiety about air travel. It has to be. Anxiety, as you probably know, is related to a number of health risks. It was like a light bulb broke in my head. Some high-ranking official must have read this study and took its findings to heart. They probably thought to themselves What’s better for relieving anxiety than a little public lovin’? Nothing, right? Why not at the airport, too? Really, if you don’t think about it, it’s a great idea that makes perfect sense!
In closing, let me leave you with a thought appropriate for the holidays. If you’re feeling anxious about your upcoming flight, don’t worry. When you get to the line at security, just keep your fingers crossed. You might be that next lucky someone standing there with your hands raised high, legs spread wide with a large hand cupping your giggle-berries or breasticles. If that is indeed your fate, remember to take a moment to give thanks for our good ol’ Uncle Sam being a paranoid and perverted, dirty ol’ man doing his part to relieve our national anxiety. Unfortunately, you might still need that cigarette….